CR@ZY N LOV3

I feel so much for him it is ridiculous. I think my biggest problem is that I fall too hard. Well this time I fell… and someone caught me… Someone who has promised to treat me right. Hopefully he doesn’t break his promise. <3 I am just going along for a ride on a cute little love boat with him. Right now & so far things have been nothing but happy. Which is a first for me…. Been going strong for 2 months & some odd days now. Which is another first (well second but anyways). I am as happy as I can be for now…. Hopefully times only get happier. Cory truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love him from the bottom of my heart & he says the same. <3

BLM <3 CJD ——> 5*1*09

The sky is slowly turning gray. The days are getting longer and a lot harder to deal with. It’s almost too much to bare. My head is filled with emptiness. I keep hiding behind this mask of happiness when I am decaying from the inside out. Maybe I will pop another happy pill so you can stand to be near me again. Keep your head up buttercup. That’s what he said when he walked out the door this morning. Oh but I’m sure he would have picked somethin else to say if he knew those were going to be his last words to me. Baby please show me the light. It’s getting dark in here and I’m losing my faith. I’m not even safe in my dreams anymore. I just keep thinking about the horrible things going wrong in my life. Oh god. My eyes are closing. I can’t let that happen, I must not go to sleep again the blackness that comes over me when I sleep is unimaginable I have to pop another pill, snort another line, stick another needle in my arm, cut my wrists some more. Something oh anything to keep the black night away. I can’t go back to sleep. Please keep me in the light, don’t send me back to that place. My wrists will be cut so deep if I go back. I can’t go back to that place. The darkness overwhelms me .

I have changed a lot since graduation. Well, most of the change has happened just in 2009. So for all of you who has good fortune in 09, congrats….Where as I haven’t been so lucky. I am going to tell you what has happened to me in these 3 short months…. Some of you will think I have serious issues, some will just read this and move on, some of you have already stopped reading…. That’s fine. I’m not trying to change anyone’s life here. I just want people to know that they may have friends hiding stuff and their friend may need some help…. and if they don’t get it, they may just go off the deep end. Okay….. Well basically my life, since graduation, consisted of me hanging out with friends, drinking, smoking…. just doing what teenagers do…. Well in January I got so drunk I couldn’t see straight…. Bad idea on my part…. I was…. well raped…. By someone I knew and had hungout with every once in awhile… After that I stopped drinking. No I didn’t report it, no I didn’t tell anyone about, no i don’t see him anymore. I didn’t report it because I didn’t think it was rape because I was so wasted, It’s fine…. I will forget about it eventually… and if I don’t then I will just have to live with it. After that I just stopped talking to all my friends except a few…. I was still close with basically one person… April…. That’s it… Other than her my friends were just people i texted every once in awhile… Besides Tiffany… Me, Tiffany, Josh, and Christ were basically inseperable for a lil while… That’s because me and josh were practically together… At least when it came to bed we were…. Well we all hungout like all do…everyday… Then we went up to Tampa so I could get a tattoo with my sister…Now I didn’t know what Josh did in his spare time… I mean I have only known him for a year and he was a lot different from a year ago… Well when we were in Tampa I found out what Josh loved to do…. Coke…. Now if you really know me then you know I have an addictive personality… Which means I’m the type of person who tries something and doesn’t want to let go of it…. Now Josh told me if I tried it he would like me so much more because it would prove to him that I was real about being with him…. So I tired it…. Now everyone knows what coke does to you… Makes you stay awake, you get a high off of it, and you don’t eat….. Now after always being fat you entire life the not eating part of that makes you think…. Well I can do this shit and I won’t eat so I can lose weight and I won’t have to diet…. Easy as fucking cake…. So I started doing coke…. I loved it…. I went from being 195 pounds to 157…. From wearing size 15/16 pants to wearing a size 9….. Yeah I’m not going to lie, coke was running my life… and that’s not the only thing… I was snorting pills like no other…. I loved my life…. I couldn’t ask for anything better…. Well… I could, that would be a guy to love me and not judge me for the shit I do…. Well me & April were always together and always doing shit…. Which didn’t bother me because it is what it is… Who gives a fuck about anything else… Well we met this guy Peter…. I have known him since I was like 9 becuase he was friends with my sister…. He was into some of the same shit we were into… So we decided to chill with him…. I was still doing what I did, same with April, and the same with Peter… Now about 2 days after we started chillin with peter he asked me to be his chick… I said yes but only if he stopped doing drugs… Well who the fuck was i to ask him to stop if I wasn’t going to stop!?! So I did stop…he got a ring and put it on my finger…. so I told him that gave him a free day to get fucked up and shit… so he did… but I didn’t get fucked up… and watching other people be fucked up when i was sober really showed me how i act and it made me realize how retarded i was… That it was stupid nad pointless to fuck up my life for a few hours of a good buzz… The point of this is to let the few people who know about my drug problem realize where it all started. To also let the people I stopped talking to know what is going on. Also, to let myself know I am doing the right thing. No I am not going to stop being with Peter. He is getting off drugs and we are getting married. No I will not stop being friends with April. Drugs are not apart of any of our lives anymore. I am getting extra help with this all though so I don’t relapse. I am going to NA and CA meetings. It’s going to be tough but it is going to be worth it. Yeah that’s a lot of confusing shit to take in, especially since I am really bad at writing stuff, but I just wanted everyone to know the truth.

For some crazy reason everyone thinks Britney Spear’s song ‘Circus’ describes me completely. My question is WTF!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! Don’t bother with me…i’m only out on parole.

They always think you’ve got it all.

Brains, beauty, lots of friends, caring and daring.

Like you’ve got the whole world at your fingertips and all you have to do is reach.

Almost as if it’s only night and day because you exist.

They put you on a diamond in-crested pedestal and look up to you.

But all they see is that got it all goddess.

When truly inside her mind, she’s really just a beautiful disaster.

Black and blue but all of it’s true.
They hurt, they sting all the way through.
Pushing and shoving, none of it’s loving.
I’m hurting inside, coming out is all the feelings I hide.
I whine, I cry, sometimes I think I can’t get by.
The bruises are showing, everyone is knowing.
Please don’t touch, they hurt too much.
Don’t cry for me, one day i’ll be free.
The bruises will fade, it’ll all go away.
All that will be left are the sad memories you made.

Well today was a little better than yesterday.

I am going to Sarasota on Friday and staying until Sunday.

That way I can see people and spend time with my dad.

I haven’t talked to him today but I am going to call him tomorrow.

I hope he gets a little better.

A healthy person without HIV/AIDS t-cell count is 1280.

My dad’s t-cell count is 173.

Plus the pneumonia is making it drop faster.

At least when he is in the hospital he can get the medications he needs.

Right now I am keeping myself together the best I can.

:/

At least I have people supporting me so I can support him.

Life is tough.

Don’t ever take advantage of the life you have.

Life is too short to have regrets.

Live your life to the fullest.

Live everyday as though it was your last.

………………………………………………………………………………….

Maybe that will prolong it some.

Today hasn’t been a very good day.

I woke up at 11 to a phone call.

My aunt.

She had to tell me something very important.

It was about my dad.

Well what about him…

I already knew he was in the hospital with pneumonia…

And….

Well it’s more serious…

More serious like what?

Well he really didn’t want you to know…

Tell me. NOW!!!

Well…it’s hard to tell you this over the phone.

Just tell me please.

Well your dad…is basically dying.

What the fuck? What do you mean he is basically dying.

Brandi…your dad has….your dad has…

My dad has what? Spit it out!

Your dad is HIV positive.

What the fuck!?!

It’s worse.

How the fuck can anything be worse?

It’s not HIV anymore….It’s full-blown AIDS.

How the fuck can he have AIDS?

He has had it since 1994.

How come no one told me? What the fuck. This is bullshit.

Your mom wants to say she loves you but she is crying too hard.

Yeah whatever…How come no one ever told me.

Your dad was embarrassed.

I don’t give a shit if he was embarrassed…I am his daughter, I had a right to know.

Yes you did have a right to know..but he had the right to not tell you.

How bad is it?

His cd4 cell count is 173.

What should it be?

Well a person without AIDS is 1280 or higher.

Is he going to die?

Not right this minute but he doesn’t have that much time left.

This is bullshit.

Please don’t be upset.

Fuck the world….and fuck everyone who knew and didn’t tell me.

I’m sorry.

Why did you know?

No.

Then you have nothing to be sorry for.

———————————————————————————————————————-

My day fucking sucked.

Fuck the world.

Fuck everyone who knew.

Fuck everything right now.

I hate this shit.

It’s not fair.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[19:08] Brittney loveTMD: OMG BFF ILY [19:08] DirrtyNiglet90: ily 2 [19:08] DirrtyNiglet90: brb [19:09] Brittney loveTMD: kkkkk [19:19] Brittney loveTMD: come back imiss oyu [19:19] Brittney loveTMD: aahhhhh [19:21] DirrtyNiglet90: what [19:21] Brittney loveTMD: i missed you [19:21] DirrtyNiglet90: really [19:21] DirrtyNiglet90: went to the store [19:21] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [19:21] Brittney loveTMD: wow that was fast [19:21] DirrtyNiglet90: yepppp [19:25] Brittney loveTMD: cool [19:25] Brittney loveTMD: whats up [19:25] DirrtyNiglet90: nataa [19:40] DirrtyNiglet90: im bored [19:40] DirrtyNiglet90: talkk to me hoe [19:40] Brittney loveTMD: sup betch [19:41] DirrtyNiglet90: what are you doing????????????????????????? [19:41] Brittney loveTMD: vid chatting with my friend [19:41] DirrtyNiglet90: lame [19:43] Brittney loveTMD: not lame [19:43] Brittney loveTMD: you need a webcam [19:45] DirrtyNiglet90: i know [19:45] DirrtyNiglet90: hoe [20:01] Brittney loveTMD: dont call me a how [20:01] Brittney loveTMD: hoe [20:17] DirrtyNiglet90: hahaha [20:17] DirrtyNiglet90: loser [20:17] Brittney loveTMD: (auto-response from Brittney loveTMD) BRB LOL [20:17] DirrtyNiglet90: gay [20:17] Brittney loveTMD: buttass [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: ass butt [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: licker!!!!! [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: ha [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: hoe [20:18] Brittney loveTMD: whore [20:18] Brittney loveTMD: slut [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: skank [20:18] Brittney loveTMD: biznatcfh [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: hahaha [20:18] Brittney loveTMD: LOl [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: lame [20:18] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [20:19] Brittney loveTMD: hey shower imre [20:19] Brittney loveTMD: LATA [20:21] Meebo Message: Brittney loveTMD is offline [21:06] Meebo Message: Brittney loveTMD is online [21:34] Brittney loveTMD: are you here [21:34] DirrtyNiglet90: yes [21:34] Brittney loveTMD: (auto-response from Brittney loveTMD) BRB LOL [21:34] Brittney loveTMD: GOOD [21:35] Brittney loveTMD: what are you doing [21:35] DirrtyNiglet90: yep [21:35] DirrtyNiglet90: nothin [21:35] Brittney loveTMD: just sitting there [21:35] Brittney loveTMD: do doing absolutely nothing? [21:35] DirrtyNiglet90: same [21:35] DirrtyNiglet90: im chattin with a few friends [21:35] Brittney loveTMD: you should update your blog [21:36] DirrtyNiglet90: i will [21:41] Brittney loveTMD: k good [21:56] Brittney loveTMD: i have a headache make it go away [21:56] DirrtyNiglet90: go away headache [21:56] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [21:57] DirrtyNiglet90: did that help? [21:57] Brittney loveTMD: haah thaaanks [21:57] Brittney loveTMD: yes it’s gone now thank you miracle worker [21:57] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [21:57] DirrtyNiglet90: is it really gone??? [21:57] Brittney loveTMD: no lol [21:57] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [21:57] DirrtyNiglet90: oh [21:57] DirrtyNiglet90: lame [21:58] Brittney loveTMD: ugh i’m so tired of school [21:58] Brittney loveTMD: i want it to be over NOW [21:58] DirrtyNiglet90: im sorry [21:58] DirrtyNiglet90: school be gone [21:58] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [21:58] DirrtyNiglet90: :) [21:58] DirrtyNiglet90: is it over??? [21:58] Brittney loveTMD: hahah [21:58] Brittney loveTMD: no but good try [22:00] Brittney loveTMD: guess what [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: what?!?!?!?! [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: blink is back [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: that? [22:01] Brittney loveTMD: a & m’s 6 month anniversary is on my birthday -_- [22:01] Brittney loveTMD: & yes, blink is back wooo [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: FUCK THEM [22:01] Brittney loveTMD: i know [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: want me to kick her ass? [22:01] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [22:02] Brittney loveTMD: haha go for it [22:02] Brittney loveTMD: it would be easy [22:02] Brittney loveTMD: even i could do it [22:02] Brittney loveTMD: she’s a rail [22:02] DirrtyNiglet90: ewww [22:02] Brittney loveTMD: yeah [22:02] Brittney loveTMD: and he was about to cheat on her with me [22:02] Brittney loveTMD: like wtf [22:02] DirrtyNiglet90: wow [22:03] Brittney loveTMD: so he obviously doesn’t like her TOO much ahah [22:03] DirrtyNiglet90: that is stupid [22:03] DirrtyNiglet90: him being with her if he wants to stray [22:03] DirrtyNiglet90: whatta hoe [22:04] Brittney loveTMD: yeah [22:04] Brittney loveTMD: i think he’s just staying with her because he wants a girlfriend [22:04] Brittney loveTMD: and he wants to know he can have sex whenever he want [22:04] Brittney loveTMD: s [22:05] DirrtyNiglet90: wow [22:05] DirrtyNiglet90: lame [22:05] DirrtyNiglet90: want me to cut him too? [22:05] Brittney loveTMD: i do but i think i would regret it later haha [22:06] Brittney loveTMD: still here [22:08] DirrtyNiglet90: lol [22:08] Brittney loveTMD: (auto-response from Brittney loveTMD) I am away from my computer right now. [22:08] DirrtyNiglet90: yeah [22:08] DirrtyNiglet90: sry [22:08] DirrtyNiglet90: went to get a drink [22:08] DirrtyNiglet90: want some rootbeer? [22:08] Brittney loveTMD: i mean im still here cause i went away lol [22:08] Brittney loveTMD: yes! [22:08] DirrtyNiglet90: i will get a straw [22:08] DirrtyNiglet90: :) [22:09] Brittney loveTMD: yaaay [22:09] DirrtyNiglet90: :P [22:09] DirrtyNiglet90: what color straw do you want? [22:10] Brittney loveTMD: do you have green? [22:10] DirrtyNiglet90: yes i do [22:10] Brittney loveTMD: ok! greeen [22:13] DirrtyNiglet90: yaya [22:13] DirrtyNiglet90: doo doo i broke ur straw [22:13] DirrtyNiglet90: sry [22:13] Brittney loveTMD: what the hell!?? [22:13] Brittney loveTMD: :( [22:13] DirrtyNiglet90: im sorry [22:13] DirrtyNiglet90: i have an orange one [22:13] DirrtyNiglet90: ?? [22:14] Brittney loveTMD: fine [22:14] DirrtyNiglet90: r u mad? [22:15] Brittney loveTMD: no [22:15] Brittney loveTMD: but i wanted a green one ! [22:15] DirrtyNiglet90: i will go find a green one then [22:15] DirrtyNiglet90: ya big meany [22:15] Brittney loveTMD: no orange is a chill color too [22:17] DirrtyNiglet90: no im lookin 4 a green one [22:17] DirrtyNiglet90: doo doo [22:17] DirrtyNiglet90: dammit [22:17] DirrtyNiglet90: i’ll cut you [22:17] DirrtyNiglet90: brb [22:20] Brittney loveTMD: ugh i don’t feel good [22:20] Brittney loveTMD: this headache is killing me [22:21] Brittney loveTMD: i have to go to sleep, sorry! [22:21] Brittney loveTMD: good night my lovely lover love [22:21] Brittney loveTMD: